I know this is a hush-hush topic for a lot of people, but I’m not a hush-hush type person. I believe if you go through something tough and keep it a secret, you are taking away an opportunity for God to use you to help someone else. It is also a missed opportunity to be a good friend. People are much more likely to share what they are going through if they know you have been through it too. That being said, I want to share my story with you.

A few months ago, I was feeling tired all the time. I thought maybe I was sick. Then I thought I was pregnant. The day I thought I ought to take a pregnancy test, I got my period. It was a strange period, though. I didn’t have cramping and it was a little lighter than usual. It went on for two weeks. At that point, I thought I must have had a very early miscarriage. I felt a little disappointed but, because I never saw a plus sign on a pregnancy test, I hadn’t experienced the excitement and attachment that happens as soon as you learn you have a baby growing inside you. I finally went in to my doctor because I was concerned about the fatigue and never-ending period. He did a pregnancy test to be sure I wasn’t pregnant, even though we both thought I had probably had a very early miscarriage.

He called me the next day and told me that I was pregnant but that, because of the bleeding, he was concerned I was in the throes of a miscarriage. I was speechless. My initial, “Oh bummer, I think I had a miscarriage” attitude immediately transformed into a desperation for my baby to be okay. I quickly made an appointment with an OB-GYN. Once I saw the OB-GYN, it was a tornado of blood tests, ultrasounds, and doctor appointments. My HCG levels would rise and fall as did my hopes for having a baby at the end of the ordeal. Because everyone is so hush-hush about this topic, I was clueless as to what to expect when/if I were to miscarry. I reached out to friends, but every story was so different. This left me scared because I had no idea what to expect.

At one point, the doctor told me it would pass over the weekend. I was expecting massive cramping and being stuck in the bathroom with serious bleeding for about an hour, so I was afraid to be alone with my son. Unfortunately everyone’s lives couldn’t be put on hold because I was in the middle of what seemed to be a marathon miscarriage. The weekend came and went with no massive bleeding or cramping. Monday morning, I called the doctor and scheduled yet another appointment. I was told they weren’t surprised it didn’t happen yet and that sometimes these things drag on. Huh? Why didn’t someone tell me that before, I wondered, and how long was this going to drag on for? It felt like the doctor and nurses were acting like this happens every day and that I should know what this process was supposed to be like. In truth, this was new territory. I would cling to their every word. I needed direction and understanding about what was happening to me and my baby. I was told at one point they thought it could be a tubal pregnancy, which could be dangerous for me and that we would know more in a week. A week? A week felt like a million years when I was in the middle of this. (It wasn’t a tubal pregnancy, by the way.)

At this point I had already gone through weeks of praying for a miracle and coming to terms with the fact this baby wasn’t going to make it. The bleeding began clotting, which was a sign I was in fact losing the baby. The clotting got worse and worse. Finally, after over five weeks of bleeding, I had what seemed like strong period cramps, and that was the last of it. I never saw the baby but was given a collection jar in case I did. I was told to look out for a marble-sized flesh ball. During this time, I didn’t like leaving the house because I didn’t want to be in public experiencing massive pain and bleeding. So week after week, I canceled plans, rescheduled, and canceled again. I went through bouts of feeling super sad, scared, and a bit depressed.

Once everything was over, I had the feeling of a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. I knew that this baby wasn’t meant to be with me, but I look forward to meeting him or her in heaven one day. I have one healthy, amazing child, and so I hope that maybe, one day, our family will be able to have another.

If you are going through a miscarriage or have been through one in the past, I encourage you to reach out to family and friends. Once I started reaching out to people, I was amazed at how many people had miscarried but never said anything. This isn’t something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. This isn’t your fault. Do not isolate yourself; let your friends do their jobs and help you. Trust me, they will feel honored you shared with them, and it will make them feel good to be able to help you out, whatever that might mean. Like all things in life, you will get through this, and the pain won’t always sting so much. I would really like to encourage people to share their stories in the comment section. You can use a false name if you would like. You never know who you might be helping by sharing your story.

Here are some online resources on miscarriage if you’re looking for more information:
American Pregnancy Association
UpToDate, Inc.
Caleb Ministries

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  1. Eliza says:

    Paige, thank you for being brave enough to write about such a personal and incredibly female topic. This was your biggest risk yet on the site, and really, I am touched that you have enough confidence to write about this. Human experiences are worth talking about.

  2. My Dear Sweet Paige,
    I love your openness, honesty and willingness to trust that all is well despite what things may appear to be. You are an inspiration!
    Love you so much!!
    ~ Carmela 🙂

  3. Patty Siegmund says:

    I had a miscarriage in February. It was so devastating. I was so torn….how do you tell people but how do you cope/grieve alone?
    Like you, I was amazed at the outpouring of support from women in the church as word slowly spread. Women who had lost many babies, before every carrying one to full term! Seeing that they had endured the heartbreak of each little lost life helped me know God would sustain me as well.
    Thanks for sharing.

  4. Ally says:

    Paige. I am so sorry. You do such a good job writing about it and telling your story. You are a blessing to us all! I love that you said you know the baby wasn’t meant to be with you but you’ll meet him or her in heaven. You are a strong woman and have such a healthy attitude.
    Prayers and blessings to you!!

  5. Michal says:

    Paige, thanks for sharing your story. I was encouraged to hear your heart. I’m so sorry you went through that hard time. I have TONS of friends who have miscarried…unfortunately, it is very common, but like you said, not talked about much. Thanks for opening the discussion on it.

  6. Hi Paige,
    I’m sorry for your loss. I can totally relate as I miscarried twice before I had my first baby. He is such a blessing….a gift from Heaven. Thank you for sharing your story.

  7. lyn says:

    I am glad I found this site and am so sorry for your experience I hope with the love of your 1st child will get you through it..I to found out I was pregnant the day my period was due 13july…i start to bleed 17th july when I woke up that morning..We went to A&E. they could not see anything with a scan but said it might be to early..I had to go back monday for blood test my hcg levels came back level 4 she said level 2 is not pregnant according to the internet under 5 is not pregnant they cannot tell me if its the start of something or end of somethign and to do a test next week to see if they are still postivie to go back in.I bled for 2days only my period would normally be for 4 days no cramps but I had sysmtoms previous to bleeding breats sore nausea they are all gone now..I no myself what had happend and we are devestated we have been trying since we got married 3months ago but not given up hope as it happened so soon 1st month getting ovulation dates..and it is true you need to talk I talked to family memebr and a friend and both went through the same thing who reasure me it happened for them very soon after..hopefully one day we will be able to look back when we have a child of are own and cannot iamgine ar life without this baby even doh it will not take the hurt away now x..take care + it will be a very long week until we can test again which is heartbreaken when you know what has happened by your own body

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